Am I Sad, Mad, Surprised or WHAT?

TickedTanner · Joined: 07 Jun 2009 Posts: 1

I, like many other women's posts, have recently found out about my husband's online betrayal. It's been a month, and there are days I hate to even look at him... Here's the story in a nutshell. Thanks, in advance, for anyone willing to read it and respond.

He and I met a little over 4 years ago (online). We dated exclusively most of that time. It was a long-distant relationship (well, 3 hours).

After 3 great months together, a little bird put a suspicion in my head. I jumped online. Wa-lah! There he was ... on the same site where we met. I immediately called him (cell). No answer (yeah, I know... he was busy). He did call back just a few minutes later. I immediately said, WHAT'S WRONG? He acted surprised. Then, I sprung it on him that I saw him online... yadda-yadda. We (me) argued a bit on the phone... then, he said he had to get some sleep for work the next day... and we'd talk the next night. Imagine... leaving someone alone to deal with the hurt and frustrations of all the emotions to this.

Next day, he did FINALLY call about 10pm. Wow - what a long day... and wasn't he concerned how I was feeling to work me in so soon. He mentioned nothing of the night before. So, yes, I finally did. I got a lot of BS answers. The distance, I did too many things for him (what??)... and so on. Made NO real sense. We hung up.

He called about 2-3 days later. I was in his hometown at my mother's. He asked to go out to dinner. I was thinking, FINALLY... we can get all this resolved and I can feel better knowing what was up. Guess what, mentioned NOTHING...NOTHING (nor did I).

Within 2 weeks he was calling. I ignored all phone calls. I finally answered one (out of curiosity after 2 weeks). Of course, he's sorry.. wants to come back... I was the best thing that ever happened to him. So, we give it try #2.

3 Months later, guess what. Caught him on the same website, again. Said he had an e-mail... and clicked the link (that automatically logs you in??) I let it go.

For the most part after that, we got along okay - the distance was a chore, but I did love and trust him. We did part for about 3 months (my doing... as he would never follow through on ANYTHING he promised. I was emotionally worn out! This time, I blocked his number from calling me. He even went to my sister's house to get information! (I DID call him then and let him have it for overstepping!) Time went on, he would 'yahoo message me' or a quick e-mail. For a month or 2, I never replied. Then, occasionally, I would (generic). The pain had worn off and I was moving on. He of course wanted 'ANOTHER' chance.

So, yes, we did, after a lot of time a part gives it another chance. He still did the 'avoid things issues'... .which drove me nuts. We (and yes he brought it up) discussed marriage.

Anyway, finally married October 3, 2008. Justice of the Peace (no planning). Struggled right off the bat as he didn't tell ANYONE we got married. This hurt my feelings immensely. (By the way, I am 43 - and had NEVER married. This was a huge step in my life - and I thought a happy one!)

To try to get to the point, after 8 months of marriage (rocks, pebbles and some smooth surfaces).... here we are. I just found out that he's been online the entire marriage (AND while we were dating). Chatting, e-mailing, ON THE CELL PHONE... and there are women from work, too. He says they're just friends... nothing ever physical or in person. DO YOU BELIEVE THIS PERSON??

The worst part.. the crushing part.... I saw where he was on 'that website' THE VERY NEXT DAY AFTER WE EXCHANGED VOWS!!!!

He's a great guy, OTHERWISE!!! Is he somehow sick? Sometimes I think he is ADD and/or Passive-Aggressive.

My heart feels like a rock, I want to vomit, he doesn't want to hear me scream out my anger (but that is what I feel I need to do). To him, I won't do it again... let's start fresh erases ALL THAT HE DID to disrespect me!

HELP, PLEASE! Sad

SwissMiss · Joined: 04 Feb 2009 Posts: 21 Location: Geneva, Switzerland

Hi TickedTanner,

Welcome to SafeHaven. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this... my heart goes out to you. I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like your husband has an addiction to this online stuff and needs help. He obviously has no idea of the pain he's causing you.

To me he sounds like an immature boy who wants to 'have his cake and eat it', i.e., have a loving wife to go home to, but still get his kicks elsewhere - sorry to say it, but this does not look good. And the fact that he won't talk about it is worrying to say the least.

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to suggest. Counselling could be a good thing, but it takes two to make it work.... although in my case it didn't help much because my partner still decided to leave; however, at least we aired our grievances and could see things more clearly.

Of course, I'm not in your shoes, but I would be tempted to give him an ultimatum, either he quits this behaviour and makes a serious effort to make your marriage work, or you call it a day. I know that's a HUGE decision to make, especially when one is no longer a spring chicken (I'm
nearly 53, lol), but perhaps better that than having to go through life wondering if you can trust him and always having that nagging uncertainty at the back of your mind. It looks like you will have to ask yourself some hard questions.... Sad

Voilà, as we say here in French Switzerland, that was just my 2 centimes' worth. There are many other, wiser women here who I am sure will be able to give better advice. In the meantime, chin up - you are the better person here and you are not alone Smile

Big Hugs,

SwissMiss
xxxxxxx
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I never knew I could feel so much pain, and still love the person causing it....

LifeLoveHappiness · Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 197 Location: Maryland

Swismiss gave you wonderful advice. Patterns like that don't change. He needs counseling or to move on from the marriage. Let us know how things are going!
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**HELL HAS NO FURRY LIKE A WOMAN'S RATH**

bonnie224 · Joined: 28 Oct 2008 Posts: 74

I am so sorry for your pain. Welcome here. Heed the words of Swiss Miss. She has been where you are.
No advice, just wanted you to know you are heard and I am sorry for your pain. I know how badly you are hurting. The pain is worse than death.