extramarital affair support

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Well, now I under the correct subject, I just want to say again that when my husband confess to cheated on me with a co-worker after 17 years of marriage I was numb, outrage,mad,angry. I tried to forgive him and make the marriage work but I just couldn't forgive and finally moved out January of 2008. I miss him because I loved him with all my heart but I still don't like him and my last conversion was like a mind game, for example he asked me what was in my future and I couldn't answer the question.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

It really was OK that you posted in the online infidelity support portion of the board. Don't fret or worry, my dear.

Like I replied to you, mind games are extremely common with wayward (cheating) spouses. They do make things more painful than they already are.

I don't blame you that you could not answer your husband about his questioning of what your plans are for the future. At this point it is still quite fresh with moving out and everything. You are going thru a HUGE transition right now.

You are NOT obligated at all to respond to him with his questions. You do NOT owe him anything at this point. Always remember that, ok?? You do not owe him anything at all.

The beauty of phones is that you can always simply hang up. If he makes you feel sad or bad about yourself; or makes you feel like you are going crazy, just hang up the phone; or say I don't want to talk to you about this now, and hang up. That gives him NO options and also gives him boundaries.

Boundaries at this point are extremely important. Make the boundaries, inform him of them and make sure he understands it and adheres to them.

I do hope and pray you feel better soon. You will go thru up and down days; all of which are very, very normal.

You have us to lean on, too for support.
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dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Thank you for all you said, I was thinking that my life would be a whole lot better if I just keep God first in my life and keep pressing forward and forget about the pass because right now I just don't think I want to talk or see my husband right now. My birthday is Wednesday of this week and I just don't want him calling me to wish me a happy birthday, I just don't want to talk to him at all.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

Well, first of all~ I want to extend my deepest of Birthday Wishes to you!
Happy upcoming Birthday to you Smile

I DO pray you have a wonderful Birthday! You deserve it! Smile

Do you have any special plans set for yourself? Apart from working?

Maybe you can take some time for a massage or get a manicure or a fresh new haircut or something pampering like that Smile

Get yourself a lovely set of your favorite flowers and your favorite comfort foods Smile

Maybe indulge in a good movie, too Smile

You deserve to be happy on your special day Smile

ALSO:

It is O.K. to NOT take your husband's phone call on your birthday~ like I said before, you do not owe him anything, nor is it your obligation to pick up that phone to oblige HIM.

Right now, you need to do things for YOU and do things which make YOU happy. YOU are always number one in this world. You need to look after and take care of YOUR best interests. No matter what that means for you personally and individually~ always remember that YOU are number one. YOU are your own first priority. And you deserve nothing but the best in this life.

I am happy to know you are making God also first in your life. Oh my goodness, leaning on God is such a huge, huge thing and healthy! Leaning on him for guidance, listening to his lead is so important~ you can't go wrong with him by your side.

I don't know what I would have done without the power of God in my life. He saw me thru so much and I definately came out a much better person because I leaned on him so closely.

Have a wonderful day~ we are here for you!
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kitty_w_claws · Joined: 11 Jun 2008 Posts: 26

Happy birthday from me also, dallen. Hope you can find some fun and joy this birthday. If you don't want to talk to your husband, you can turn the ringer on the phone off.
Is he calling you everyday? If so, what is the purpose of his calls? Is he trying to put guilt on you? Is he trying to get you to come back? Is he being nice or is he being pushy?

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Thank you'all for the advise and birthday wishes, I think I will do something for myself, I normally take off for my birthday but this year I just didn't.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

Well, it is Wednesday~ your Birthday! I wanted to take the time to wish you a very Happy Birthday!

I am sorry you have to work today, but be sure to do something extra special for yourself this evening Smile

You deserve it!

We are thinking about you Smile

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dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Well, my husband wanted to take me lunch for my birthday and I accepted. I was very confused because I don't understand because for months he has been acting like he didn't want to be around me or talk to me and I have not seen him since february but I have been talking on the telephone with him. I just don't know what this means because if I ask him I will only get confused even more. I know that I still love him but I just don't know what to do he is a good man that made a mistake and we have had more good times than bad times.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,
Wow, I bet that his inviting you to lunch must have thrown you for a loop; especially since you have not seen him since Feb.

How did it feel to YOU to be around him? Pay close attention to how it made you feel deep inside.

What were the vibes he gave to you during the lunch?

Did the conversation flow, or was it more awkward and dry?

I know the feeling of confusion as you describe. It is normal to feel that way.

It does sound like you do love him.

Do you feel deep in your heart that he loves you in return? Does he hint at getting back together?

Did he try to make any sort of physical contact with you such as a hug or a kiss, or a touch of your hand?

Guard your heart and go with your gut instincts on this.

Reconciliation is possible if that is what you want to do. If it is not what you want to do, that all is up to you.

Have you thought about doing some counseling for yourself? That would be a great step for you to sort out all of the feelings you are going through.

We are here for you.
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kitty_w_claws · Joined: 11 Jun 2008 Posts: 26

Hmmm, it sounds like he is sending mixed messages. I would flat out ASK him what his intentions are and to cut out the game playing. For your own sake, his mind games need to stop. Nice he invited you to lunch and all, but what are his intentions?

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

do you know if he stop contact with other woman? If you don't ask him. YOu need to know in order to better understand your confusion. Many times spouses in affairs want the best of both worlds and they will tell you all the things you want to hear... Is this your husband?

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

Just checking in with you. How are you doing?
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dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

I am sorry that I haven't had a since to talk with you guy's since my birthday, but it has been crazy, anyway I call my husband a few days later after my birthday and ask him what was intention after inviting me to lunch for my birthday. He says that he was just trying to do something nice for me and wanted it to be a surprise. I also ask him if there was someone else now because I have also ways felt even after confusing to me about his affair that he was still messing around with someone because he was always trying to accuse me of messing around. I also work at Fedex trucking company part-time in the office in the evenings but we had talked about me working around a lot of men's before I took this job and he said he was okay with that. I have not seen him since valentine's night and He asked me if I wanted to come to our home that night and I did and well you know the rest and I have not seen him since but like I say we talk on the phone sometimes but He still don't call me as much anymore and I don't call hime as much either.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

Wow, I am sorry to hear your H was always accusing YOU of messing around with men Sad

That is horrible.

Unfortunately, that is quite typical with cheaters~ they tend to do the accusing themselves, unto the innocent partner. So, with that said, I am sorry to hear that he had been doing that to you.

It really sounds like he is being too evasive of his true intentions, and quite frankly, sounds like he is fence sitting, which is not healthy for you.

You deserve to know his complete and truthful intentions here, so you have the opportunity to make final decisions about your marriage.

It sounds like you love him, but his game playing simply has got to stop~ for your sake, it needs to stop.

In your heart, Dallen, what do you want to do with the marriage at this point?

Hang in there.
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flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

As the administrator asked...What do you want from your marriage? Once you know this you can actually work towards that...whatever it may be... but in the meantime, I suggest you just continue taking care of you.
You will be stronger and moving on and maybe one day forgive (whether you reconcile with him or not) your husband but that takes time. Think about you!! Smile

.
And yeah, it is common of WS to accuse the BS of having an affair. My idiot ex accused me of having an affair in front of my sons both teenagers! Of course, they didn't believe him... Smile

.
Hang in there, Dallen... You'll get through this!!

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Thank you for all your support, the holiday's are so hard because my husband and I would always take time for us, sometimes we would go out of town to the beach or mountains or just take a drive out of town for the day. So the fourth of July I thought was going to be hard but it turned out great, I was with family at a cook at a lake and it was fun, but lately especially at night I have been thinking about my husband alot and what he did to me and why he had to cheat on me and ruin our marriage. I guess now I am lonely and wish I had someone to love me and take me out on the town is that normal? I know I was ask the question about my marriage but honestly I don't know what I want to do.

I have been having these feeling about someone on my part-time job and I am scared because I know he is just firting with me because he don't know that I am separated. He is always firting with me but I just don't pay him any attention but now he sure is looking good. I am praying about this because I have never cheated on my husband it is just not right because I take my marriage vows very serious.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

I am very happy to know you had a wonderful 4th of July weekend with family at the lake and cookout Smile

That is very nice and healthy for you to do for yourself.

Oh, yes it is very normal for everyone to feel lonely during a separation; with wishes that someone would take them out on the town and love them. Your feelings are very, very normal.

It is good that you take your marital vows seriously; and are holding off with the man at work. While he may look tempting right now to you, you definately need to make some decisions about your marriage before you jump into a new relationship.

There is no timeline for this, either. Take your time to think things through before making any decisions or filing anything.

However, if you do opt to begin proceedings for a legal separation or divorce, I would get that set up and place before you accept dates from any men. That will give YOU the peace of mind that you have done everything you could and are not breaking any marital vows.

I hope I am making sense.

Hang in there, we are here for you.
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dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

That is correct, I need to close one door before I open another but if what if he is seeing someone else? I don't know if he is seeing anyone else but I just have this gut feeling that he is. I know this don't make sense but before my husband confessed and told me that he had an affair and after we had went out with this couple and by the way it was the wife of the couple that he had an affair with. Everytime we went out with them or went to their house I had this gut feeling that there was something going on and when I asked him about it lied and said no.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Oh Dallen,

I am so sorry to hear that your Husband had an affair with a mutual friend Sad

That is horrible.

What has become of the other woman's marriage? Did her husband ever find out? Are they still together?

I think the easiest thing for you to do regarding your gut feeings with your husband is to simply ask him if he has found someone new.

Since you have already moved out of the home, he is more likely to be forthright with you. At least I hope he can be.

You deserve a straight answer from him, so you can in turn make your decisions on what to do with the marriage.

You deserve to be happy and with someone who loves you.
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flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

It is so easy for us to turn to the opposite sex for support and yes, he will be understanding, I'm sure but, I would strongly advise taking care of you before getting involved with anyone. Starting another relationship too soon could be disasterous! Think about it before getting involved..
Glad you had a great time on the 4th of July weekend!!
Hang in there

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

I noticed that you logged on a little while ago.

Just wanted to check in with you and ask how you are doing??
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dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Well, I have been doing alot of thinking about my life and my moving out on my own and the bills. I make good money but I have a problem with budgeting so I thought about moving back to my mom but I like my apartment and if I really, really budget and cut back on a lot of shopping I might be able to make it on my own. This is the first time in 49 years that I have ever had to make it on my own because when I was young I was at my mom then I got married and my husband and I split the bills so I would always have a little extra money to spend that I really needed to be saving. So this is a rude awakening. I think I can make it thought or am I just fooling myself?

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

Absolutely you can make it on your own if you ultimately decide to push for a divorce. Plus, if you do decide to end the marriage, you SHOULD indeed be entitled to half of the assets, and likely some alimony; so that should give you some peace of mind, too.

Budgeting is not too hard to do, and with dedicated self-discipline, you most certainly can attain that. It will be a new habit to learn, but once you learn it, it becomes less scary, if you know what I mean.

It sounds like you are happy where you are living. I would continue with that by all means until you decide what to do with the marriage.

If you decide to go back to your husband, that too is ultimately up to you.

You need to do what is best for you right now.

A lot to think about... and I know how scary this is for you, but either way, you will be alright Smile

You are stronger than you think you are Smile

Take a look at all you have done for yourself thus far! There is a lot to be proud about for yourself!

Hang in there
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flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

Take a look at this site http://www.cccsatl.org/index.asp?_method=view&sc=73&cn=836 . I has a lot of financial information. Check out Larry Burkett's books. They are helpful. You seem to be doing well...hang in there.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Flamerose, this is a great link! Thank you for suggesting it Smile

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Thank you, Well I was had my husband on my mind a lot this weekend so I decided to call him. This didn't go very well, he was not available when I called so I left a message about 8:30 pm last night and he didn't call me back until about 10:20 pm and when i answered the phone I was upset because he called back late and the conversion went down hill from there, I don't know why when I talk to him I get very angry and upset and cannot say what is really on my mind. I made a comment about if he was seeing someone else and he made the same comment back to me. I also went back to the past about if he hadn't of slept with someone else and acted like it was nothing just a mistake and I also told him that I never felt if he was really sorry for what he did. My husband said that he had feeling too and hurt too and I also got my wish by moving out, this is because I told on several times that I wanted to move out. I told him that I didn't want to hear him say that because the reason I moved out was because of him and then I hung up the telephone. I am upset and I just don't know what to do because I know now that I am still hurting from the affair.

kitty_w_claws · Joined: 11 Jun 2008 Posts: 26

Dallen,
Clearly this man is playing on your emotions. He is not polite enough to come clean to you, so he keeps his control over you with this never ending dance of crazy making. Do I make sense?
You ask him a direct question and he turns right around and asks you the same question? See how that is control? He is avoiding coming clean for whatever reason he has, plus turning the tables and spotlight off him and on you. That is nonsense.
You have power, girl to end this crazymaking. I understand you are fearful of making it on your own, but you say you have a good job. If you want to end this, you can budget yourself. It will mean going without some luxuries for a while, but it can be done.
Does he say he wants to work out the marriage? Does he seem happy you moved out? Does he ask you to come home? I am sorry, but I am a tad bit confused.
You will hurt for a long time over the affair. The hurt and pain won't vanish as fast as you would like. What about counseling? Are you in counseling?

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

Your husband is using the "mirror image" . When you ask a question and he turns it back on you. I suppose this helps easy his guilt. I would suggest that you stop talking to him...work on you and become stronger. The hurt, believe me, will get less over time but you need to focus on you to get through this. You are doing well. Don't give up!

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

Just checking in with you again to see how you are doing.

You are in my thoughts.
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dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

I am doing okay, after I talked to you guy's , my husband called and He just want me to stop beating him up about about cheating because he says he knows what he has done that he cannot change it. I found myself getting angry but I need to let go of the anger and the harder I try to forget about what happen the more angry I get. How do I stop from been so angry about what happen?

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Can someone help me with this, whenever I get stressed my hair start to shedding, what can I do beside stop stressing about my hair

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

Maybe it's time to see a doctor..? I'm not sure why you would be shedding hair during stress. I think your doctor would be the best person to talk to about this? I hope you are seeing a counselor too, whether a pastor, priest or a therapist anyone can help you sort your thoughts and show you how to deal with your anger. Remember, anger is one of the stages... Hang in there.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

Oh my! I am so sorry to hear about your hair loss. Crying or Very sad

Yes, stress can lead to hair loss Sad

Here is a link to Mayo Clinic about Stress And Hair Loss:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-and-hair-loss/AN01442

I have to agree with Flamerose, perhaps it is time for you to make an appointment and see your doctor. I do think it would be of huge benefit to you.

Dallen, here are also other links I just found on the Four Stages Of Grief One Experiences After A Breakup; it is a good read. I hope this helps a little for you:

Stage 1-Denial:

http://www.couplescompany.com/FEATURES/Grief/Denial.htm

Stage 2-Depression:

http://www.couplescompany.com/FEATURES/Grief/Depression.htm

Stage 3-Anger:

http://www.couplescompany.com/FEATURES/Grief/Anger.htm

Stage 4-Acceptance:

http://www.couplescompany.com/FEATURES/Grief/Acceptance.htm

Hang in there, Dallen. We are thinking about you!
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jaded_jewel · Joined: 07 May 2007 Posts: 62

Dear Dallen,

First off, I am sorry about what you are going thru. While I am not married, I got a taste of how much this hurts.

I am wondering, how did you find out about his affair? You said he confessed, but was there more to it? Did you find out any other way before he confessed?

I feel for you.
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dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Hi, everyone I have been so busy with work and I took a vacation that I haven't talked to you. I feel so good about my life now, I even called my husband and and apolized to him for my behavior due to I was so angry. He was in shock becaus he could not believe that it was me without been so angry. I know that when he cheated on me that it was something that I could not change and I had to forgive and stop been so angry because what has happen is done. I haven't talked to my husband since. I still don't know what I want to do about our marriage yet, i am taking one day at a time.

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

the answer to that question is when we went out to eat or went over the other couple house I could tell that something was not right and I started asking my husband question if there was something going on between the wife of the couple and he would reply no.

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

One step at a time, Dallen. This is YOUR recovery process!! I'm glad you were able to release the anger! Hang in there!!

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Dallen,

Welcome back! I hope you had a lovely and relaxing vacation! You certainly deserved a vacation Smile

Where did you go?

I am happy to know you got to take some time for yourself and regroup Smile

You do sound more upbeat, more at peace and the best thing; you sound like you have forgiven your husband. That is a huge step to take and a healthy one for YOU.

Keep taking things one day at a time.

Again, welcome back, Dallen Smile

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dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Thank you, for the uplifting replies, I went to Maryland to visit my sister on my vacation and we had alot of fun.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

That sounds like so much fun, Dallen!

I am so happy that you were able to visit your sister and get some time away and have fun! Smile

I hope all is well with you Smile

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dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

I wanted to share something with everyone, my grandfather died at the age of 99 years old and the funeral was on tuesday of this week, well my husband ask if he could attend the funeral because my grandfather liked him and my husband liked him as well. When the minister was preaching the the sermon, the minister made a comment about how people don't stay married long before they are running back to moma, he also said that this funeral should bring family closer or further apart. I couldn't help thinking that he was speaking to me, of course my husband was setting beside me.

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Well, it's a good thing you heard the message...but it's another thing if your husband heard it... Let's hope that he did. Remember, it takes two people to have a marriage. I know for my part, I carried alot of guilt because my family was broken up but my ex didn't carry any guilt that I can see. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

First of all, I do apologise for not responding to your last post in a timely manner; I have been down with an illness.

Second, I want to express my deepest of condolences to you and your family over the death of your grandfather. I am truly sorry to hear that he has passed on.

At 99 years of age, though, it sounds like he lived a good and long life! May he rest in peace.

Now, I think it was extremely generous of you to allow your husband to attend the funeral; you should feel very proud of youself for being so giving like that. I am sure it meant a lot to your Husband to have his closure, too and to be able to show his respect to your Grandfather.

I do really pray that your Husband listened to what the minister's comments were. The Minister is right.

I do pray your Husband took those words, the message to heart. I hope the message sunk in deep within his soul.

I pray the message impacts your husband in a positive way.

Take good care, Dallen~ Again, I am so sorry about your loss.
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dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Hello everyone, thank you all for the kind words, I am sorry that I haven't been able to talk but work have keeping me busy. Well, I have some things to tell since we last talked. After everything settle down from my grandaddy, I called my husband and told him how I was feeling, that I wanted him back and lets try to work thing out, and his reply was that we need to see each other face to face and he also said that he was of afraid of trying to get back together and I said that is okay but lets meet at spot so we could only talk because I just didn't want to end up sleeping with him and stir up feelings, now this was a week ago.
He final called last night and ask me to meet him somewhere so we could talk and I did. Well after a long conversion and he was still talking about the pass about how angry I was and I didn't trust him etc. etc. and then he said we had been separate about a year already and getting close to getting a divorce but he liked that we could talk to each other civil, so I just finally said then you don't want to get back together and you want a divorce and he said I like that we are able to talk now but yes a divorce, i knew then I just wasted my time and made a fool out of myself. He still wants use to talk and I guess be friend, I just don't want to be around him anywhere and I let him know that if someone in our family get sick or die that I will show my respects but make sure I don't show up at the same time that he does. I am also thinking about moving. He got upset because he says that I make him feel bad because he thinks divorce would be better for use and that deep down I do too. We said goodnight and he hug me. I guess I will always love him but I love myself better, so my plans is to buy me a house next year either the town I live in now or somewhere else and I hope one day I will meet someone that will love me and not cheat on me.

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

((((Dallen)))))

Oh Dear, I am so very sorry to hear this. Sad

This must have truly crushed your heart Sad

You deserve someone who will love you and not cheat on you; you are absolutey right with that!

I am happy to know there is at least some closure on this; that your husband FINALLY told you what he wanted without all of the mindgames in between. I am glad he was finally forthright and honest for a change. Even though it was not what you were expecting from him, I am happy he was finally honest.

Now you know; everything is clearly on the table now. This should set you free to some degree; however, I know the pain of this incomprehensible twist and turn in your life will take some time to heal from.

Please do feel free to check in with our new chat room. We would love to have you join us. http://infidelityhurts.chatango.com/ If nobody is there, please feel free to leave a message anyway as to a good time where you might be able to chat.

Hang in there.

Again, I am so very sorry, Dallen.
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flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

I am so sorry to hear about your divorcing but, at least now you know so you can truly move on. Another thing I'd like to mention is you did not make a fool of yourself. You made one last effort to hold your marriage together. Your husband is the one that wanted to continue with the divorce. Do not ever feel like a fool for wanting to save your marriage.... I know this is hard but you will get through this. Look at how far you've come...and...buying a new house...wow! How many of us get the opportunity to do that?? I wish nothing but the best for you. Please take the time to heal and everything else will fall into place Smile

.

LifeLoveHappiness · Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 194 Location: Maryland

Oh Dallen, I totally agree with Safehaven & flamerose! You're no fool. You're an intelligent woman with a big heart full of love. Just trust your own instincts and the person you've become. I too think it's wonderful you've made concrete plans for your future. I purchased a house right after my divorce. I remember walking inside just after settlement and my self esteem soared at acquiring "my" first home. I had never taken such a big step on my own. Set goals for your life. Start doing things you've always wanted to do but never had the chance while in a relationship. It's your time to shine. Start thinking of YOU. My daughter consistently praises me with how proud she is of my strength and independence. She actually told she wanted to be the same kind of role model for her daughter. Dallen, allow God to direct your path in life. One day you just may be sitting in the mall minding your own business and that special guy will walk right into your life. One that doesn't cheat and will love you with all his heart. It happen to me, it can happen to anybody. Wink

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

I wanted to share something with you all, on Saturday night my telephone rang and it was my husband wanting to know if i would make a copy of his resume for him because i have it on a disc before I left town. I let him know that I didn't appreciate the last conversion and he made me feel bad of course he just keep on apolizing for the way he acted. He also went to visit my mom and stayed all even with her on Sunday. Now since we have separated, I don't visit his mom and I don't know why he is visiting my mom because he is the one that want a divorce and I am going to give to him and have already explain to him that I don't want any contact with him anymore but he does this. I just don't understand what he wants and I am trying to stay away because I still have feeling for him.

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

If if you did end up back together you will still need to know you have done all you could for your healing. It seems to me that your husband is trying to make you look like the bad guy...visiting your mom but I can't say for sure. What was his relationship with your mom before the affair? You husband says he wants the divorce but seems he is looking for way to stay in contact with you...? Isn't your husband working? If so, then why does he need his resume? Do you see what is happening, Dallen. He sees you are getting stronger...notice he is the one calling you? Keep focusing on yourself and maybe you two will find your way back together but your husband needs to be working on himself also. Do you know if he is in counseling or...?
Dallen, it is understandable that you still love your husband...deep down we all do, I believe. If you decide to reconcile do you have your list of what you want him to do and what are deal breakers, etc. Don't spend to much time focusing on your list but stay focused on what Dallen needs right now. You're doing good! Hang in there.

LifeLoveHappiness · Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 194 Location: Maryland

Hi dallen,

Have you been doing? Please don't try to read too much into his visiting your mother. Was he close to your mom over the years? Did he visit her frequently? I would side with caution and tell him you'd rather not have communication with him at this time. He's asking for his resume not a reconciliation. Remember this man has played mind games with you before. I agree with flamerose. He sees you are getting stronger. Don't allow him to weaken your focus.

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Hello everyone, my husband thought a lot of my mom and so since we have separated he has been visiting her. Even though I told him that it would not be a good idea to do that. I left a message on his voice mail that I didn't have a good disc to copy his resume on and I also told him that he didn't need to call me back. In return he left a message on my voice mail said thank you for your help and all that help that I have given him and that I didn't need to call him back. I haven't hear from him since just maybe he has gotten the message. I don't know if he is still working or not, I know when we were together he would always like to keep his resume updated. Right now, all I want is to get on with my life and hope that one date I would meet a good christian man that will love me and not cheat on me. I know that I had a problem with spending money but now that I am on my own I am learning how to control my spending but my husband would always say that I hurt him also with what I did but I let him know that finances you can fix but cheating is a lot of hard work that takes time.

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

You are doing good! Don't waste your energy making phone calls to your husband unless it is really something important. LIve your life, but before thinking about another man I would think you would want to divorce, first? But it is true though, you do deserve some one who will love you and not cheat on you... I deserve that also Smile

. Hang in there!

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

I have something that I wanted to share with you'all, I have this friend that I also talk with and he a male and he is also going through with separation which he separated months before I did and his wife was cheating on him, anyway we always talk at work on my part-time job. Well I told him that I have closed the door with husband and that I will always love him but not as a wife should love her husband. Well, now I seem to look at this man differently and he is such a great person but what I fear is that I am beginning to develop feeling for this man and I just don't think that is a rebound either. I know my divorce is coming soon and I don't want to be or look at anyone until then but I am affaid that I want to see this man and the way he looks at me now is different
also. What should I do????

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

My opinion is it is too soon. You both need to recover otherwise you bring your excess baggage into the new relationship. But, this is only my opinion Smile

. And by the way, he is still married. It seems you are both getting emotionally attached...be careful...

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

I know what problems we both have, but what is wrong with having a male friend to talk to?

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Dallen,

I didn't say there was anything wrong with talking with a male. He is separated, but legally married and from what I can remember about your story is you are still married. That's my opinion.

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

I know what you meant, I feel so free from my drama because in Dec. '08 I will be filing my papers for my divorce and so far my husband says that he will sign the paperwork to proceed with the divorce. I never thought that I would feel this good about myself and feel happy but I do and that is the thanks to you'all.

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Your happiness is what matters! Smile

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Hi Dallen,

Is this Man from work only going through a separation or have they filed for divorce yet?

There is nothing wrong with having a male friend~ but I do sense that you truly do like him in a romantic way.

Flamerose is right when she says to be careful~ guard your heart and protect it. Make sure the both of you have the doors closed on the marriages before jumping into a new relationship.

How is the other man handling his own separation at this time? Especially since his wife cheated on him? I am curious to know how he is doing.

Does this man express to you that he feels the same for you?

All I want is to see you truly and blissfully happy in this lifetime~ because you deserve it.
_________________
Safe Haven For Women Admin

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Hello everyone, my friend has been separated every since last July and he seems to be doing good now, you'all have to remember that we were friends when he was going through separation so he told me how he was feeling about her then and how he feels about her now, from what he tell me that he thought he loved here but she wanted to live life as single woman going out with her friend and coming in all times of night and they were even sleeping in separate bedroom. I don't think they have such a good relationship now at all that he has ask for a divorce. She was abusive to him and like to hit him if things didn't go her way for example when he called her and told her that he wanted a divorce she was nice to him and said okay and then she said you left something here at the house and do you want to pick them up and he said okay. but when he got over to here home she tried to attack him so he had to push her off of him and leave in a hurry. In my opinion, he is a good person but just pick the wrong woman and they don't have any kids together, she has daughter by someone else. I am protecting my heart because I cannot handle the kind of pain that my soon to be ex-husband cause me. My friend is filing for a divorce as soon as he can because they have equiable distribution so there is a battle there. I am filing for my divorce soon also but I am not asking for anything just my maiden name back. It is nice to have a friend that can relate to what I have been through but I am not going throught anything now with my soon to be ex because I know that we cannot communicate right now maybe one day I can but not now.

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Well, my friend he has already told me that he has feeling for me but he never said anything until one day I was telling him that I was so tired of mess with my husband and that I could not take it anymore and I told my husband that I am closing the door on us and I am pressing forward and I was getting on with my life and I hoped that one day I would meet a man that would love me and not cheat on me. Oh and by the way when I told my soon to be ex this and he said no one is perfect and I told him that I wasn't looking for anyone perfect just someone to treat me with respect and that I thought that I didn't know what love was but I am not giving up on love or finding a good man. I have to say that my friend was a gentleman and he did not start talking to me other than a friend until I made that comment.

dallen · Joined: 18 Jun 2008 Posts: 29 Location: virginia

Hello everyone, I just wanted to touch base with you'all and just say hello, I am divored now and happy. I just wanted to say with God first in my life and people like you'all is what got me through. Again I just wanted to say Hello and thank you.

LifeLoveHappiness · Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 194 Location: Maryland

((((dallen)))) It's so good to hear from you again. I have missed our conversations and wondered how you've been getting along in life. I'm glad you stopped in to say hello. Life does get better after divorce. One door my close but many other's open up when we keep our faith in God. I've learned that much over the years. Please join us in conversation anytime! Every now and then I like to post a little fun stuff too! When you get a chance, please tell us how you've been doing.