I still can't believe it

ajs895 · Joined: 14 Oct 2008 Posts: 1

I've been married for 27 years to a truly wonderful man who I love dearly. I would have bet the farm he would never be unfaithful.....he's a good looking man and I've seen women throw themselves at him for years, but he always remained true to me. He had helped me get out of an abusive relationship 27 years ago, and then we married.

Two weeks he confessed to a brief affair with a co-worker, as he could not stand the guilt anymore, and needed to end it. This woman has a mean, abusive husband, and what was a wonderful working relationship/friendship unfortunately went too far. He deeply regretted his mistake. He let me scream and yell the most horrific things, (I did not even recognize the person I was at that time), and took it all with tears in his eyes. He vows it will never happen again, he was so afraid of losing me and our three children (16, 13, and 10).

I carried the anger and hate around for barely two days before I realized I had to forgive. I couldn't live with the anger....it was eating me up. I was constantly trying to hide my tears from everyone. Even if I had asked him to leave, I had to forive him or carry it around with me forever.

I have forgiven them both. My husband and I talk every night, and I know we still love each other. In fact, as much as it hurts to say so, I belive we have actually learned much from this whole mess. We did not realize how slowly over time we had forgotten to make time for ourselves, as a couple. Life just got in the way. We have a renewed sense of committment to each other.

TRUST is another issue. This woman still works at his office. For complicated reasons I can't explain in full, it would literally be catastrophe for the entire business if either of them left right now. The business is struggling (as so many are today), and there are 50 employees with jobs on the line. I've made it clear this woman will eventually have to be out of our lives completely in order for true healing. I'm not forcing the issue at the moment, because I suspect certain aspects will intervene and solve the problem. My husband broke off the affair, asked if they could turn the clock back a few weeks, and she agreed. Neither of them could handle the guilt and lies, and weren't eating or sleeping anyway. They agree it is a relief that it is over.

I'm really struggling with the pain. I don't wan't to "unload" too much on my husband every day (even though he insists...."I did a terrible thing, it was all my fault, I need to handle the consequences of what I have done") and I liked this forum because it allows me to vent, cry, express my feelings and I guess "get it all out of my sytem".

I know our future will be with each other. I suppose someone reading this may believe I am delusional, but we both think we are really meant for each other. I believe this was truly a case of two good people who did one bad thing.

I know I'm better today than I was two weeks ago.....but it still hurts a lot. I'm hoping time will improve things.

flamerose · Joined: 23 Jun 2008 Posts: 125

Hi ajs.

Welcome to safehaven! I am so sorry to hear that you were betrayed. One thing I would like to mention is that no matter what your husband says, this was NOT YOUR FAULT! They need someone to blame and would that person be...their spouse!
It sounds like your husband maybe remorseful but its hard to say as he is still working with the other woman and you didn't say he is showing you how remorseful he is by his actions. This is still very fresh for you. You cannot believe what your husband says...actions on his part are very important!
This is going to be a long hard road to healing. Are you seeking counseling? Your husband needs to find out why he did this and figure out how to win your trust again Are you eating, sleeping? If you are not eating try drinking supplimental drinks. You need to keep up your strength for you and your kids, otherwise, you will not be able to focus and trying to reconcile takes ALOT of energy!
Please take the time to read around the forum there is a lot of information that may be helpful to you. May I also suggest Dr. Bob Huizenga's e-book Break Free From Affair. This book is very informative. Okay, well, I'm glad you found us! Please come in and vent anytime!!
Hang in there!

safehaven · Site Admin Joined: 06 Apr 2007 Posts: 495

Welcome to SafeHaven ajs895, I am happy you found us, but am so sorry about the pain you are enduring.

I must say, I am quite impressed with your internal ability to forgive so quickly~ it is not common for the betrayed to readily forgive straight away.

You forgave after 2 days of discovering this. You are a generous, gracious and giving woman, I must say. And that is something to be very proud about.

Your husband is very lucky to have a wife who forgives right away and is willing to go the long-haul to repair things.

The only thing I can suggest is to move forward with the optimisim that you clearly are showing~ but use smart caution as well. Forgiving does not necessarily mean also forgetting.

They are still working together, so that is a little worrisome~ it is a shame one of them can't leave at this time~ but I understand about the business depending on the both of them.

Keep laying the boundaries with both your H and the OW~

I don't think anybody here would think you are delusional~ please don't be hard on yourself~ this is not your fault at all~ and it is OK to have faith in a full reconciliation!

Your husband is demonstrating true remorse from what I can tell~ encouraging you to talk about it, apologising profusely, etc.... It sounds like he truly is repentive of what he has done and there is a lot of hope when the betrayers demonstrate those characteristics.

Have you considered counseling together at this point? I would highly suggest looking into that to get to the root of what led him to go astray.

I am happy to know you both have the renewed recommitment to make time for eachother as a couple. So often we get so wrapped up in life and the kids and before you know it, you don't know your partner much anymore. Keep making time with you as a couple a priority.

I am sorry for the slight delay in responding to your post~ I was out of the Country for a while, but am back home now.

Once again, welcome to Safe Haven~ we look forward to getting to know you.

Come vent anytime~ we are here for you.

Stay strong! You already are stronger than you think you are~ that is clear in your post. Keep your faith up Smile

_________________
Safe Haven For Women Admin

sadsally · Joined: 03 Sep 2008 Posts: 16

It has been five months now since I learned of my husbands OW. Although he says they never had sex.....he knows he was biblically unfaithful because he cheated in his heart if not with his body. We also talk now more that ever and have as better relationship than ever before...except I can not forget....I have forgiven but there are times I am overwhelmed by WHY WOULD HE DO THIS TO ME?????? I am living proof though that forgiveness is the best solution. I have no choice but to beleive what he has told me because I love him and I know he loves me. With the Lord's help you too can overcome this horrible situation. I will probably always wonder if they had sex or not.....it seems it would be easier if he just admitted that he did. All of my friends that know of this say they would believe that he didn't. They all were shocked that he could even talk and meet another woman. I believe it was middle age crisis. We too let life get in the way of our time. kids, school. a wedding of a child, stress from work etc... Life is short, Go with your heart and make the most of your future, You can't see where you are going if you are always looking backward. Sometimes it takes a man seeing what he has to lose to appreciate what he has. I will pray for you both, God will bless your pure and faithful heart.

LifeLoveHappiness · Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 197 Location: Maryland

No offense Sally but, I had to post to this, there will be other women out there reading this and although you find it in your heart to forgive and save your marriage, not all women feel that way.