I want a revenge affair?

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic     Forum Index -> ExtraMarital Affair Support
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
sacrificed-too-much



Joined: 11 Jun 2008
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 10:39 pm    Post subject: I want a revenge affair? Reply with quote

But my heart says not to. I been married 17 long years to an abusive mentally and emotionally man who also has had 9 affairs that I know about.
He has porn addiction also and drinks too much and stays out on weekends leaving me alone.
He is not emotionally or sexually available to me and treats me like doormat. Shit would be a more fitting word to describe.
He is mean to our 2 kids and I hate him for that the most. How can a father be so cruel to his own kids is over my own head to comprehend.
I keep thinking of revenging on him, but don't know what if that is right.
I don't care about him anymore because he don't care about me or our kids.
I want a way out of this mess.
I look at him a lot and think I no longer love this man. It has turned to hatred anger and bitterness. I want to be happy now. I look in the mirror and see only a frown. I never smile. I lost the smiles and joy a long time ago. I also have shut down emotionally. I rarely talk to friends or people when I used to be upbeat and jovial.
I have done nothing to deserve treatment this bad and have sacrificed too much and am not willing to sacrifice more. He has no remorse for his affairs or his behaviors towards me. I feel empty and lost.
I am new thanks for allowing me to vent and scream.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kitty_w_claws



Joined: 11 Jun 2008
Posts: 26

PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 3:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Honey,
Let me get this straight ok?

#1. He is a serial Cheater (OMG 9 times??) He is scum screwing scum.
#2. He abuses you and your kids.
#3. He abandons you & the kids on weekends doing God knows what.

My question to you is.................................................................................................................WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM???

Divorce his ass and find someone worthy of you and the kids!

Revenge affairs are tempting, ain't it? I tell you, dear: With all the lost dignity and suffering you have already gone thru, you will no doubt lose even more if you head down the road of having an affair. I don't think that is an answer.
Are you afriad to divorce the guy? If so, why?
I say keep your integrity, morals and values intact and leave him. Or in the least get counceling together. Don't lower yourself into the world of affairs you will never forgive yourself and ultimately, you will sacrifice even more of yourself than you even imagined. Not worth it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
safehaven
Site Admin


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 495

PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome to Safe Haven, Sacrificed-too-much,

First of all, I want to say how very sorry I am that you are in a situation like this. You most definately deserve so much better in this lifetime.

My alarms are going off with the fact that your husband has had 9 affairs that you know about.

My first suggestion would be to get right on in to a doctor and sceen yourself for STD's as soon as humanly possible.

With 9 affairs, this man clearly has no regard for you, your kids, and ultimately your life. So, please, check with a doc and do a full STD panel asap.

Another alarm that is going off with me, is you are very clearly in a domestic violence situation. I want to make it very clear to you, that you do NOT have to be physically hit for things to qualify as such. Emotional and mental abuse falls into the category of domestic violence and there is in fact help out there for women in these situations. It also sounds like your kids are also victims and none of it is OK!

On the links page of this site are resources on Domestic Violence and hotlines you can call. Please do explore those options, for your sake and the sake of your kids.

It sounds like you have indeed sacrificed way too much for this man.

I would like to ask you how are you financially speaking?? Could you make it on your own if you decide to leave this man?? If not, again, there are a lot of resources here to look into.
There are a lot of programs out there that can help you.

Now, on the subject of having a revenge affair. Please, do not do it.

Kitty_w_claws said it and I will say it also~ it is not worth it. She was exactly right when she said you would end up sacrificing even more of yourself than you have already.

You sound like you have thus far maintained a high standard of values and morals for yourself. That is a great thing and something to be very, very proud of.

For your kids, you lead by example as well.

Please consider not going the route with the affair. Please maintain your dignity, values and morals. Get some help for the DV issues and look into some counseling for yourself.

Getting out of a horrible situation is hard, but you can do that if you want to do that. It takes dedication, personal growth and strong will. But, you can do it.

Is your husband open to counceling at all??

From what I take on your post, it simply sounds like you want out.

There is legal aide available also.

Please, if there is anything you need. Anything you can't find that is already on this site, please ask. I will do my level best to help you.

Hang in there and again welcome to Safe Haven.
_________________
Safe Haven For Women Admin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
LifeLoveHappiness



Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 200

PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sacrificed-too-much, hello dear. I deeply feel your pain because this is the life I lead for 23 years. My husband behaved in the same manner. I had a very nice home and anything money could buy. I thought that staying in the relationship would be best for my daughter. Afterall, he was out all weekend and didn't come home and during the week he stayed in his side the house and drank all evening while I attended my daughter's dance classes and extra curricular activities. We lead separate lives. He cheated and I was lonely. It even crossed my mind once to cheat on him, but being a person with good conscience & moral values that is something I couldn't do and live with myself. Two wrongs don't make a right. I know what you're going through. I didn't tell my family how this man could be mean and hateful. They thought the world of him. I covered for him all the time. His drinking, his lies, I said he was working when in reality I didn't have a clue as to where he was some days. When I'd confront him and say I was leaving, he'd go outside the house and turn the electric off or take the battery out of my car so I couldn't leave. He had control over me and that was the only life I knew. I knew it was wrong and a terrible way to live but I was afraid of going out on my own. Plus, nobody knew what was going on behind closed doors. His verbal abuse was so bad I lost all self-esteem. He'd cheat and treat me like a piece of shit and then come along saying he was sorry for his behavior and that he wasn't sleeping with anybody, they were just friends. Everything was my imagination. Of course he lied, and of course I believed him at the time. I became depressed and cried all the time. It wasn't until my mother died that I finally got my senses back, I got smart, I started putting away money, I gathered evidence of his afairs, I planned my escape, and I left his ass one day when he least expected. It was the best thing I could have ever done for my daughter and I. The only regret I've had since leaving him, is not having left him earlier in the relationship. Please talk to us before you make a hasty decision. Don't do to another woman and yourself what he has done to you in the relationship.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
sacrificed-too-much



Joined: 11 Jun 2008
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 2:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your right, I should not stoop to the lowest behavior levels he has done to me. I know that in my own heart, but I have fantasies about finding a new man and leaving my husband for the new man and flaunting it in my husbands face. I fantasy revenging on him and it consumes my thinking.
My kids deserve a new father figure too. My husband is no father figure. He is poor excuse of a father. I want better and more for me and kids.

I don't want to hurt any women. I want to find a single and available man and leave. I know it would still count as affair.
I am a sahm. I stay at home and have no monies for me. My husband controls all monies. I only get monies for grocery thats it. While my husband stays out all weekends spending on other women and friends. He buys himself new cloths while me and the kids rely on freecycle to get our cloths.
He forbids me from getting a job and expects me to stay home and even talks about getting me pregnant again. I don't want another kid from him. I want out. Thats it. I want out.
What do I do?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
LifeLoveHappiness



Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 200

PostPosted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your fantasies of other men are quite normal given the circumstances. Although we fantasies of prince charming coming along and sweeping us off our feet to rescue us, it just doesn't work that way in real life. Unless a woman's single, men only want married women for affairs. So be careful. Some men can be very deceptive. I was deceived once by a man I thought was single. It happens to the best of us.

When I knew I had to gain control back in my life, the first thing I did every morning was pray for strength. I'd then go to the mirror and say to myself 'you are strong, you are beautiful and you deserve the best life has to offer.' I said that to myself each and every day for 2 years. Start doing things for YOU. Buy a new shirt, get your nails or hair done. In the meantime, I started documenting everything in a little journal that I kept between the mattresses. Every time my husband was mean, days he didn't come home, times he didn't participate with his daughter or attend her extra curricular activities, when he received phone calls, EVERYTHING. I also started saving money and putting it into an account in my name only. At the time I worked but my check went into a direct deposit joint account. He would monitor the account (talk about control) but I found ways to take out money for myself. It took almost a year but by the end of that time I had enough evidence of him and enough money for an attorney. You have to go about this the legal way and seek the advice of an attorney. Some will give you a free consultation. It takes time but it's worth it in the long run. And someday you will meet that Prince Charming. But right now it's one step at a time.

With that said, I want you to be careful and stay safe. If at ANY time your husband becomes physically abusive or threatens to harm you or your children, call 911 immediately. Don't ever let him talk you out of calling 911 if you feel your life is at risk. Always go with your gut instinct in situations.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
sacrificed-too-much



Joined: 11 Jun 2008
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

life, how did you manage to sneak out monies and save? I do not know how to do that. thanks for advising me.
Safe, I made an appointment to get std checked out. Please pray for me. Thanks for all the advise.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
LifeLoveHappiness



Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 200

PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It wasn't easy and at first I was at a loss and didn't know what to do until a girl friend who had been through a similar situation told me to buy a few large money items on the grocery bill and then return them the next day to keep the money. So I shopped at numerous stores weekly and became quite good at returning. $20-$40 was returned and put in my own account each week. When I think back, I feel disgusted with myself for ever letting it get that far. My husband would be in charge of the check book and he'd check the receipts. The first few years of marriage I though it was endearing that he took my vehicle and filled it up with gas each week or that he was so thrifty and keep such great financial records. It was a control issue on his part. Boy, was I stupid. After a few years of marriage I found myself working all the time and not being able to get at my own money. He'd go out, drink and take the checkbook with him so I couldn't get my hands on it. Since my husband was gone a lot on the weekends and/or would come home late in the evenings, I decided to do some baby-sitting at other folks homes. That earned me some more money that I could put into the account. I also had yard sales and took items I knew he'd never miss to pawn shops. Plus, I feel ashamed to admit this but he gave me an allowance of $30 a week for lunches during work and I'd put that into my account. I'd take a few dollars out and buy a loaf or bread and peanut butter to keep at work. If there's a will, there's a way. My last few days at the house before we left, I went to the bank and took half the money out of our joint account. My attorney advised me to do so. If you decide to start a separate account, you will have to use another address for them to send the statements. I used my parent's address. Sacrificed... I will keep you in my prayers. You're not alone. Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
safehaven
Site Admin


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 495

PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 3:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Livelovehappiness, now it is your turn for a standing ovation! What awesome advice you have given! Thank you!

Where there is a will, there definately will be a way. You are one strong woman!

Sacrificed-too-much, I am happy to know you made an appt to get that STD panel; that is so incredibly important for you to do. Please let us know if you are ok! You are most definately in my prayers also!

If you happen to use a debit card for grocery shopping, you can also sneak out $20 or so per week simply by optiing for the cash back step with the transaction Smile Pretty easy to do that Smile

Do you have family nearby which you could use for a secondary address? Livelovehappiness gave great advice for opening a new bank account in your name only and using a family member's address for the statements to go to.

My own Mother actually did this during her first marriage as a step out of her abusive situation. Her parents supported her 100% on this and she was able to get out after some time.

We are thinking about you and praying for your situation. Hang in there.
_________________
Safe Haven For Women Admin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
sadlady



Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know the feeling. I teeter on the edge of thinking about getting back at my husb. I wonder how he would feel knowing another man has licked and been inside me. I want him to feel the same pain I feel with every cell of my body. I dont do it. Why? Because I am better than that. I found out about his affair one month ago and still have not confronted him yet. Let him be oblivious to the fact that I know. After I get more evidence, I plan to leave. We have no kids because he shoots blanks, so that makes it easier to walk away. All I have right now are a cell phone number. I know her first name, but need to figure out how to locate her address. I need to play it smart and get a good settlement after I file.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
flamerose



Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 125

PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sacrificed-too-much

Why are you still in this marriage? You deserve so much better! I would get individual counseling right away!! Your husband obviously has not respect for you and for women in general... as he has 9 affairs. Who does that!! someone with some very serious issues. Think of/for yourself and your children!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
happygirl3



Joined: 08 Jul 2008
Posts: 11
Location: new york

PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi sacrificed too much,

Wow, I feel your pain. This is definetly emotional abuse. One day I went to the book store and started looking for a book on Bi-Polar disorder. My H was diagnsed with it, as well as my daughter. Next to that was a book on emotional abuse. I sat in the aisle of Barnes and Noble and started reading. I didnt realized that this was abuse...I didnt know. I grew up in a abusive home...and I just thought this was the way things were. Go to the library and check one out. It makes you realize you dont, and shouldnt live that way. I am still working on it, making myself stronger every day. I went into therapy and realize that this is not my fault, it is not me. There is nothing I did to cause this. And with my own abusive upbringing it is understandable that I stayed....and am still here. Again, I am working on it.

One of the catalyst for me to change was not wanting my children to grow up in this enviornment. I want my daughter to see a strong person. Im not quite there yet...I hope soon.

Best of luck...
_________________
happy girl...with 3 amazing reasons to be so
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic     Forum Index -> ExtraMarital Affair Support All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


© 2007-2008 Informe.com. Get Free Forum Hosting
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
 :: 

RedSilver 1.01 Theme was programmed by DEVPPL HTML Forum
Images were made by DEVPPL Photoshop Forum